I have had to move blogs.
If you want the new one you will have to ask me.
Archive for Life
Good vs Bad
Good:
To go to sleep at a reasonable hour.
Bad:
Listening to radiohead at 1am, getting depressed and writing a load of crap in your “book” thats supposed to be inspirational not suicidal.
Goodnight.
50 book challenge 2007
1: Laura’s Diary – Laura Sayers* A
2: Waiting – Ha Jin* A
3: A tree grows in brooklyn – Betty Smith* A+
4: Buying a Fishing Rod for my Grandfather – Gao Xingjian* B
5: The Hobbit – J.R. Tolkien* -
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* = Books I have not read before.
Prose
Life no longer contained all of the old thrills and chills it used to. That’s what I seem think from now on anyhow. Although technically I have no reason to think so, being only 19 years old. It’s not as though I’ve even lived out half of my life, so I’m not really in any position to voice my opinion on how shit I think it’s been. Then again if I died tomorrow my life would have amounted to nothing at all.
The strangest thing is that so far I seem to have no problem in accepting my complete lack of enthusiasm in the challenge that is life. I have discovered in fact that every day tasks or general enjoyment of life itself can be a lot difficult for some than others. I seem to be someone who struggles to find happiness with what I’m doing.
Most of the time I just blame myself from lack of trying. Occasionally I will convince myself that I’m doing the best I can but the majority of the time I’m probably lying. For instance in school I always seem to be that person that always really has to try to get somewhere and never really ends up getting anything higher than a B. The only good grade I got was an A in art and that’s never really anything to be happy about because it’s not that hard to get an A in GCSE art. I managed to get a C in P.E, even though I didn’t turn up to the exam, which just shows the flaws in our educational system, marking someone who wasn’t actually there.
Whenever I seemed to think that I was trying really hard to get a good grade I would simply be soarly disappointed. It annoyed me that I couldn’t be one of two categories. There are the boffins, who get excellent grades and don’t care if people call them names because they are smart and will inevitably go to oxford or Cambridge to study brain surgery or something equally prestigious. Then there are the stupid people who don’t care whether or not they are stupid because they don’t pay attention anyway and would much prefer to wait around after to school to beat people up before heading to a nearby field to smoke, get pissed and shag some stranger senseless. Although the latter does not really appeal to me I never seemed to fit into either category. I’m in the shitty category in the middle, the people who try really hard, but never seem to get anywhere and are never really remembered in their high school years for doing anything significant, like getting expelled or being top of the class in higher tier math.
The people I belong to will plod along, trying to be something in this ever-changing world and then the moment they think they’ve got it figured out and that they’ve found something they can actually do really well some sort of hurdle appears and they are once again at the bottom.
School had always been difficult. I was the person in the class who wasn’t very bright and kept to herself. A hermit with no special talent to speak of. I used to wear huge baggy clothes which in turn made me a lot less confident about my body. Usually you wear clothes because you’re not confident about your body, whereas for me I think it was the other way around. In my first year of high school I wore this thick black coat everywhere, that came three quarters of the way down my legs. I wouldn’t be seen at school without this coat. I believe I even wore it while I was in class and the teachers used to ask me to remove it. They would query as to whether or not I was cold, pointedly looking at my coat, hinting that they didn’t think I should have it on. I tended to ignore the ones who couldn’t be bothered to ask me to remove it. Pretending to be ignorant of their blatant hinting I shrugged, replied that I was a little cold, received a blank, annoyed expression from the prosecutor and then the lesson continued with no further hindrance. In the second year I was a little more daring and wore a black coat that only went down to my knees and had an awful purple silky lining. I adored this coat even more than the last, even though I believe both were hand me downs. I lived off of hand me downs. In fact when I recall my childhood I realize that I wasn’t at all fashion conscious. I wore old clothes that my sister was about to throw out, most of which became out of fashion about three years prior and some that were slightly too small, but I loved them the most and insisted on wearing them inside the house. In fact I remember when I was younger and realized that I appeared to be an early developer, having already discovered the power of my breasts a long time before anyone else in my class had. Although the first bra I ever wore was given to me as a gift by my granny. She seemed to pass It to my mother proudly stating the fact that her little girl was growing up. I was more concerned about having to tell people that my gran shopped for my underwear. You could tell she had, also. The bra was a silky dark yellow colour with frills up the side and a little bow in the middle. Of course I fell in love with it instantly and secretly thanked my grandmother for having such excellent taste in lingerie.
I would walk around my bedroom in this bra, posing and trying to look seductive like I’d seen people do on the television but I never was very good at posing. I remember trying to practice walking in high heels for future use except I had to pretend to be wearing heels because I was blatantly too young for them at that age, even though it seems that in 2006 even six year olds can walk around looking like sluts. Anyway I had this favorite hand me down red shirt. It was tight and knitted, with a V neck, showing off my boobs and I loved trying it on with my new bra, strutting my stuff around my bedroom, which was only about three meters long by 1 and a half wide so I couldn’t strut very far but I felt like a star.
Although high school was a challenge I still remember what once was the innocence of childhood before high school, when popularity and success didn’t even mean anything to my generation. I enjoyed the time before middle school the most. The greatly missed first school, or in my case Foxhayes first school. I thought it was so cool that I went to a school that had a fox as it’s logo because it meant that the school uniform looked really cute and cuddly. On my first day there I didn’t think I would like it and wouldn’t stop crying. I clung to the corner of my mums coat until a teacher dragged me away. Then after the first hour I loved it. It didn’t feel like we were actually learning anything whereas we secretly were. They used crafty ways of getting us to take things in and it usually worked. They taught us our alphabet by turning each letter into little characters and making a story out of them. I think they still exist and are actually very popular, very aptly named “The alphabets”. We were like little sponges, so eager to play and remember each of their names. Harry H is the only one I remember now.
Then there were was the wonderful time when we would practice our handwriting and watch a video called the magic pen. It’d just be a programme with a black board and the magic red/yellow (I cant remember the colour!) pen would write letters across the board and as he did so the end of the pen would light up and some music would play. Then of course we would have to copy him. It was one of the best moments in first school, when I got to watch the magic pen. I loved that time when I was so easily amused by things and didn’t care.
Of course the best part about first school was story time. We would actually get to drink a carton of milk, which looking back now I think was an excellent idea. We used to lie down on the floor and drink our milk, which I’m sure we should be drinking while we are lying down. Anyway, we would drink our milk and be told a story and then I believe it was the end of the day and we could go home.
First school became a fabulous holiday for me. I loved it. I liked going out in play time and playing chase with everyone and getting to play in the sand box or the pond we had. Then towards the end of the year my dad would walk me to and from school, even though our house was only about 50 meters away from the school itself. When I was about to go inside he would high five me and say “See you later alligator” and of course I didn’t realize that this was a phrase commonly used by many people. I just thought my Dad was really cool. It became a little private morning ritual between me and my dad for a while as I was walking into the school gates he always had to say it.
I couldn’t help but think lately about change and the lack of certaintainty there is in peoples lives, mainly mine. I happened to be walking home from work, and as it was Christmas it was already dark at 5.30. I don’t pay attention to the people I’m walking home with because although I am walking near them they are strangers to me. Every face looks the same in the night, not that you can see peoples faces because we all shuffle along with our heads lowered, scarves up to our chins hoping not to be noticed. However the other night someone did notice me, barely, as I had my headphones in and had I not been switching songs I would not have heard them say “excuse me” in my general direction. When I turned around and noticed a man walking beside me I realized I had seen him a few times before when I walked home. I soon discovered that his name was Mr Sing and he was very interested in what I had to say, it seemed.
I was a painfully shy child when I was younger. Children my age seemed to be far ahead of me in confidence and self esteem. I remember the torturing journey of first getting on a bus by myself. I dropped my money and then forgot to take my ticket. I found traveling alone completely daunting, not being very good at directions on my own I would worry that Id miss the stop and get lost. I still don’t know how to get to my doctors on my own because you have to catch two buses. All my friends were used to going into town on their own, or with each other. I refused to go into town on my own, though and would insist that my Mother accompany me in case something happened. I don’t know what I was so afraid of to be honest, and I still don’t. I cant say that my confidence is as high as some other people that I know. I have improved I must admit, but I still find solitary missions scary.
Walking home in the dark is a challenge for me anyway. I don’t like to travel places without listening to my music, its not something I can do. However if I listen to my music I find that I cannot hear what is going on around me and if some stranger decides to creep up and jump me I would not be able to hear them coming. I probably wouldn’t be able to do anything if someone did decide to do such a thing but I suppose it would be better to know what was happening, less of a shock maybe ________________________________________________________
Lack of sleep.
It’s a funny thing, sleep.
Without realisning it I sorted out my sleep pattern and started going to bed at 11pm, waking up at 9am
But now it’s 3am and i’m back to staying up all night and sleeping for a couple of hours during the day. It’s quite unfair.
Ten tips on getting to sleep taken from the national sleep foundation.:
1. Maintain a regular bed and wake time schedule including weekends.
Our sleep-wake cycle is regulated by a “circadian clock” in our brain and the body’s need to balance both sleep time and wake time. A regular waking time in the morning strengthens the circadian function and can help with sleep onset at night. That is also why it is important to keep a regular bedtime and wake-time, even on the weekends when there is the temptation to sleep-in.
2. Establish a regular, relaxing bedtime routine such as soaking in a hot bath or hot tub and then reading a book or listening to soothing music.
A relaxing, routine activity right before bedtime conducted away from bright lights helps separate your sleep time from activities that can cause excitement, stress or anxiety which can make it more difficult to fall asleep, get sound and deep sleep or remain asleep. Avoid arousing activities before bedtime like working, paying bills, engaging in competitive games or family problem-solving. Some studies suggest that soaking in hot water (such as a hot tub or bath) before retiring to bed can ease the transition into deeper sleep, but it should be done early enough that you are no longer sweating or over-heated. If you are unable to avoid tension and stress, it may be helpful to learn relaxation therapy from a trained professional. Finally, avoid exposure to bright before bedtime because it signals the neurons that help control the sleep-wake cycle that it is time to awaken, not to sleep.
3. Create a sleep-conducive environment that is dark, quiet, comfortable and cool.
Design your sleep environment to establish the conditions you need for sleep – cool, quiet, dark, comfortable and free of interruptions. Also make your bedroom reflective of the value you place on sleep. Check your room for noise or other distractions, including a bed partner’s sleep disruptions such as snoring, light, and a dry or hot environment. Consider using blackout curtains, eye shades, ear plugs, “white noise,” humidifiers, fans and other devices.
4. Sleep on a comfortable mattress and pillows.
Make sure your mattress is comfortable and supportive. The one you have been using for years may have exceeded its life expectancy – about 9 or 10 years for most good quality mattresses. Have comfortable pillows and make the room attractive and inviting for sleep but also free of allergens that might affect you and objects that might cause you to slip or fall if you have to get up during the night.
5. Use your bedroom only for sleep and sex.
It is best to take work materials, computers and televisions out of the sleeping environment. Use your bed only for sleep and sex to strengthen the association between bed and sleep. If you associate a particular activity or item with anxiety about sleeping, omit it from your bedtime routine. For example, if looking at a bedroom clock makes you anxious about how much time you have before you must get up, move the clock out of sight. Do not engage in activities that cause you anxiety and prevent you from sleeping.
6. Finish eating at least 2-3 hours before your regular bedtime.
Eating or drinking too much may make you less comfortable when settling down for bed. It is best to avoid a heavy meal too close to bedtime. Also, spicy foods may cause heartburn, which leads to difficulty falling asleep and discomfort during the night. Try to restrict fluids close to bedtime to prevent nighttime awakenings to go to the bathroom, though some people find milk or herbal, non-caffeinated teas to be soothing and a helpful part of a bedtime routine.
7. Exercise regularly. It is best to complete your workout at least a few hours before bedtime.
In general, exercising regularly makes it easier to fall asleep and contributes to sounder sleep. However, exercising sporadically or right before going to bed will make falling asleep more difficult. In addition to making us more alert, our body temperature rises during exercise, and takes as much as 6 hours to begin to drop. A cooler body temperature is associated with sleep onset… Finish your exercise at least 3 hours before bedtime. Late afternoon exercise is the perfect way to help you fall asleep at night.
8. Avoid caffeine (e.g. coffee, tea, soft drinks, chocolate) close to bedtime. It can keep you awake.
Caffeine is a stimulant, which means it can produce an alerting effect. Caffeine products, such as coffee, tea, colas and chocolate, remain in the body on average from 3 to 5 hours, but they can affect some people up to 12 hours later. Even if you do not think caffeine affects you, it may be disrupting and changing the quality of your sleep. Avoiding caffeine within 6-8 hours of going to bed can help improve sleep quality.
9. Avoid nicotine (e.g. cigarettes, tobacco products). Used close to bedtime, it can lead to poor sleep.
Nicotine is also a stimulant. Smoking before bed makes it more difficult to fall asleep. When smokers go to sleep, they experience withdrawal symptoms from nicotine, which also cause sleep problems. Nicotine can cause difficulty falling asleep, problems waking in the morning, and may also cause nightmares. Difficulty sleeping is just one more reason to quit smoking. And never smoke in bed or when sleepy!
10. Avoid alcohol close to bedtime.
Although many people think of alcohol as a sedative, it actually disrupts sleep, causing nighttime awakenings. Consuming alcohol leads to a night of less restful sleep.
Or I could just start going to sleep at a normal hour.
Exam-time.
I remember telling myself a week ago that I would really revise for this media exam. Now my exam is tomorrow and I don’t think i’ve revised at all. Is it just me or does everyone do that? Plan well in advance, so that they don’t have to worry about it and then spend the day before the exam telling themselves that they’re going to fail.
Then there is the unnecessary panic that results from not revising in time. Some sort of chemical in our brain manages to persuade us that we don’t know anything about the subject, and are doomed to fail. When, really we’ve been studying the question for the entire duration of the course and wouldn’t be able to fail if we tried.
I was determined to wake up at 9am today so that I had the entire day to revise. I didn’t wake up till 12, though and I still haven’t started the revision. I tell myself that the exam isn’t till 2pm on Monday but I really shouldn’t be kidding myself like that. Then the excuses such as “I need to get something to eat first” Or “I should really tidy my room” seem to follow and prevent me from starting the revision.
I dread the day of the exam but also what happens after it. I have nothing to do once the exams are over. I don’t have enough wage to be able to do anything, as I only work one day a week and the prospect of sitting at home watching film after film for four months is enough to drive one to charity work.
They say that money isn’t the key to happiness but I think it helps quite a lot, actually.
My kitty.
I forgot to add.
I also saw My kitty again today which cheered me up to know that he/she was still ok. I still think that it is homeless though seeing as it was wandering around here again.
I didnt cuddle him/her or anything. It didn’t even see me. I just saw it, knew that it was ok and that was good enough for me. I doubt it wants me snooping around anyway. Cheered me up to see the cutie though.
again today.
Zoe’s House || Sparky, George, Sophie and Biscuit.
I had planned on taking a trip to Zoe’s house today. I was worried that she would have left college because I was late in meeting her but luckily she was still there. She had decided to designate a half hour wait before giving up and leaving XD
It was quite pleasent getting the coach to her house. I was excited about taking the train because i’m growing more fond of that mode of transportation the more times I use it. It easier to catch the bus though because they were every 15 mins. The view from the window made a change from what i’m used to seeing. Zoe didn’t seem that impressed by the misty feilds, because I suppose she sees them all the time, but I thought it looked pretty. I’d have loved to have gotten off the bus and ran around in those feilds.
It was a bit of a treck to get to Zoe’s house. I had intended to take more photos than I did. I ended up taking photo’s of her dogs when I wanted to get shots of the area as well. I am a procrastinator though so it cant be helped. It was a bit weird being in such a small area. Exeter has a population of about 140,000 or something like that and this village has a population of around 80 apparantly. I am not used to being around such a small place. I suppose i’m a city girl, even though you cannot really call Exeter a good city.
Zoe has the kind of house that I would like to live in. It was quite big, big compared to mine anyway. There were chickens in the garden which was also large and things to look at everywhere, in every nook and cranny. They had books all over the place. I wish I had taken photos of all the books there were – On every wall I would say.
At the start of my day at Zoe’s she introduced me to her four dogs, who were all very excited and jumped up at me. Once they had calmed down they were ok though and I easily fell in love with them. I’ve never seen such friendly dogs before. All the dogs my family used to have I couldn’t remember because I was too young. The only dog I really remember is benji and he’s mean to everyone. When I met these animals they jumped all over me and licked me and wouldn’t leave me alone. They were so affectionate. We fed them first, before watching newsies.
Newsies rocked. I wondered what Zoe always meant when she referred to this film. She seemed so addicted to it and I was actually slightly worried because it didn’t really sound that great but when you actually watch it you realise what she is talking about. Newsies rock the brooklyn docks! Oh yes I forgot to add… I also picked some eggs out of the chicken coop. I’ve never done that before XD I felt like a farmer. It was fun. Sophie escaped into next doors back garden as well! But we rescued her. She really is a little houdini.
I made Zoe take a photo of the doggies and me:-
Theres me, of course. The dark brown haired one is George (Zoe’s fave) Then next to him is Biscuit, who is the oldest at five. Then there is the naughty one, Sophie who loves getting kisses and jumping up to lick your ear.
And there is also one that looks almost identical to George but he wasn’t in the frame and he is called Sparky. However I did get a shot of him also, being the smart person that I am.
Zoe said that he gets jealous when all the dogs get cuddled because he likes to have a person all to himself and I think that is why he was giving me an evil eye in that shot because he loved me. We had lots of cuddling time later though. With Sparky you can you put your forehead right up against his and he’ll sit there and look so deeply into your eyes and wont even lick you or move away. I must have done that for about 10 mins with him because his eyes are so pretty and watery. I kept deciding he was my fave and then kept changing my mind because I love them all XD
Much fun was had there. We even took the doggies for a walk, made popcorn, crafteded and …ate food… of course.
Muchly thankies to Zoe for letting me come over. I would have done a more detailed and amazing update but it is 3am and I am knackered so please excuse me, people.
